Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Baseball and Amish Cheerleaders

I apologize to those about to read this. I was just feeling in a bit of a crazy mood. Hope it cracks other people up as much as it did me.

Man, the weather is nasty outside. It is something like 50 degrees, but it has been raining ALL DAY. So the ground is saturated and everything just looks wet, cold, and …well…nasty. To make matters worse, Jennifer has been fighting a cold all week. It seemed to hit the low point last night when she started sounding like she was going to hack up a lung. Yum. Best part is, we have an outdoor wedding to attend tomorrow. The good news is it appears that the weather should get better by tomorrow afternoon, and I’ve never known a weatherman to be wrong (cough).

So I heard that the World Series has been on this week. I wouldn’t know, since I don’t watch baseball. Now, I know some people will see this as slander, but I really don’t get it. I’ve seen a few games that I have liked, but in general, I feel like I am sitting around waiting for something exciting to happen. I must not be the only person that isn’t interested in baseball, because ratings of the World Series are down again. Seems like that’s been the same story every few years now.

Sticking with the subject of the World Series, my father-in-law and I have discussed that calling it “The World Series” seems a little grandiose. First, it is just the US and Canada, and last time I checked, there were a few more countries in the world. Calling it the “The American Series” would be a bit more accurate. I guess you rabid baseball fans are probably foaming at the mouth now, but its not like I said all baseball players are doping, pill poppers who think muscles are better than brains. Whoops, now I’ve done it.

By the way, my father-in-law is a fan of baseball and watches the World Series every year, lest you think his opinions are anything like mine. Somehow, we are able to set these differences aside. He’s nowhere near as big a fan as my brother-in-law Bryan. He and his wife actually keep stats on the games they watch for fun. Sounds like more fun than an Amish game of tackle football. Now THAT is a pro sport that would get some ratings….until people realize Amish are pacifist.

Amish line up and two players look in each other in the eyes
Jebediah: Brother Yoder, I believe thou shouldst fall over now lest I have to give thy a hurting.
Yoder: I fear thou willst not touch me, brother Jebediah, for I am burly as an Ox and swift as a deer.
Jebediah: Which reminds me, didst thou receive the bounty of venison I sent over to ye wife?
Ball is snapped
Yoder: I did brother. Tis fine mea…TUMPH…(ball hits Yoder in back of the head).

Doubt there would be many guys going to those games for the cheerleaders.

Bill: Did you see the bonnet on that one?
Tom: Yeah man, and check out the apron on her.
Bill: Sweeeeeeet…

The Pool of Pain

It has occurred to me that very evil people who wish to make parents miserable and control insects manufacture inflatable pools. Back at the beginning of the summer, we saw this nice large paddling pool and we bought it for Grace. It was only about $20 and was fairly large. It even had a wading pool, slide, and various inflatable toys. We put it on our deck, and Grace used it a few times this summer. For the last few weeks it has simply been sitting on our deck, gathering more and more grime and slime. I kept telling myself I’d get around to moving it, “next weekend”.

Well, “next weekend” finally arrived on Saturday when I figured the mosquitoes had pretty much had all the time they needed time to nest and breed on our deck. The pool and water were gross. Granted, it had nothing on DeWitte’s pool, but it was still a nasty site. Thanks to shows like House, I was pretty paranoid about cleaning the thing out. Seems like they always suspect mold other such things when they are diagnosing the nastiest of diseases. Since what I know about medicine is almost entirely limited to ER, House, and the “if you take this drug it will melt your brain” specials that appear on 20/20 from time to time, I had to assume what was living in my pool was nothing short of the mold that would equal certain doom.

The first order of business was to get the toxic water out. Remember how I said the pool was pretty big? Well, it seemed good at the time, but getting the water out was a pain. I didn’t realize how much water was in the pool until I picked up the one corner and started walking to the opposite corner to push the water out. I didn’t get very far before the weight of the water prevented me from moving forward any further. I stopped and thought for a moment. The best idea I could come up with must have looked ridiculous to an observer, but it was the best way I could think to get the water out to a point I could flip the pool. The plan went something like this: I would pick up my corner and run towards the opposite corner with all the force I could muster. This created a wave that pushed massive amounts of water out of the pool and over the edge of my deck. It must have looked like some schizophrenic wrestling match with the pool. I should have started screaming, “Take this you foul plastic pool of death!” just in case some neighbors were watching.

After using my brilliant water removal method a dozen or so times, I had forced enough water out to flip the pool over. The remainder of the toxic sludge then went all over our deck. I decided it would be best if I cleaned the biohazard up. I considered calling the HAZMAT team, but figured they would not be as concerned as I was and ramble off some bureaucratic nonsense. Anyway, I performed my own clean up using our water hose. I then used the water hose to clear the slime out of the bottom of the pool that had formed due to the months of neglect. I spent the rest of the day cleaning and scrubbing the gunk off the pool.

Sunday afternoon I took the time to deflate the pool, which I assumed would be the easy part. Initially, I sat down in the grass and opened the first air hole (of about 5). I started hugging the pool to get the air out of it. I’m sure the neighbors who watched me get the water out Saturday assumed that the pool and the “special” person were now making up after their fight the day before.

While you are sitting in your yard, you start to notice lots of things. For me, it was the number of bugs that were crawling around. I had never really taken time to observe this before, but it seemed like they were everywhere. This didn’t bother me until the hairy tarantula walked by and winked at me. I’m sure it wasn’t a tarantula, but its size and appearance made me feel less comfortable about sitting on the ground. I decided that if I kept my eyes on the guy, I would be OK. I really wasn’t in the mood to find out if this spider bit and if it was poisonous. Then it occurred to me that if there was one spider, that there could be more and I really didn’t feel like having one of these guys crawl up my pants leg, shirt, butt crack, or…it was then I realized that in my paranoia I had completely lost site of my little eight legged friend. I immediately sprang to my feet and brushed my clothing to make sure it hadn’t snuck in. I then proceeded to hug and squeeze the air out of the pool and continued to observe the many bugs that called my yard home.

To get the air out of the slide, I put the it on the ground and pushed down on the top to push the air out. It was at the point a bee that appeared to have been mutated by cosmic radiation flew by within inches of my face. Its massive wings cooled my face as it flew by. I stood up straight again and saw it was just a large bumblebee as it flew into the distance. I could have swore I heard the thing laughing at me as if flew away.

I finally got sick of letting the air out of the slide, folded the pool up and threw it in our shed. It was then I remembered that Jennifer had a box for me to put in the shed sitting in our bedroom. At the beginning of the summer when we bought the shed, I was pretty sure it would remain fairly empty for months (and years) to come. I was an idealistic, naive fool. After a mere 3 or 4 months, the left side has boxes stacked about halfway up the building and the right side has an exercise machine and the garden tools I rarely use. The middle has 2 bikes we have never ridden and our lawn mower. It is not full, but it is getting cramped. I had to pull out the lawn mower, bikes, and our Christmas tree to get the single box of clothes in the shed and in places. Sheesh, time to start sending messages to that FreeCycle thing.

Rushed by Gracie

Our Saturday morning started with my 19 month old daughter rushing us out the door. Jennifer made the mistake of telling Grace that we were going to go “bye bye” after breakfast. So, Jennifer fed Grace breakfast and then proceeded to make some pancakes for the two of us. In case you were wondering why she didn’t eat pancakes with us, Grace was ready to eat when she woke up, so Jennifer made sure she was taken care of first. Besides, Grace is a creature of habit. She really likes to know what’s coming and really doesn’t like when things change. As a result, she eats cereal pretty much every morning and this morning was no different.

After Grace was taken out of her high chair, she ran back to her bedroom and asked for her diaper to be changed. After that was done, she started grabbing some clothes that were on the bed for Jennifer to put on her. After Jennifer put on the clothes, she said, “Shoes, shoes!” to indicate she was ready to have her shoes on. So, Jennifer obliged and Gracie was pretty much ready to go. Grace then grabbed her blanket and juice and tried to walk out the front door on her own. Jennifer informed her that she couldn’t leave without mommy and daddy. Grace ran and got Jennifer’s shoes and took them to her. As a result, Jennifer went into the bedroom, finished getting ready, came back out and put on her shoes. Then Grace went and got my shoes. I had been reading a book in the bedroom and came out when Jennifer told me the pancakes were ready. Yes, somehow through all this, Jennifer managed to get around to making the pancakes. As I was sitting down to eat, Grace brought my shoes to me. I told her I was till in my pajamas and I needed to get dressed first. I stood up (without eating) and went back into the bedroom to get dressed. I closed the door, and Grace stood there for about 5 minutes knocking on the door and waiting for me, clinging onto my shoes the entire time. About the time I was finished and was getting ready to walk out, Grace started to fuss because I was apparently taking too long.

It sounds like we were letting her run the show, but really we were just letting her feel that way because after we were both ready, we sit down and ate our pancakes, much to Gracie’s distain. The whole episode was quite adorable, and I’m not sure the entry captures it, but it will be a one of those fond memories of Gracie we will laugh about for years to come.

Alien bug has landed in German countryside!!!

It appears that a giant alien bug has landed in the German countryside. Google has captured this image from its space station circling the earth. Sources estimate that the bug is approximately 50 meters long (about 164 feet). Dr. Evil said that though he is impressed with the bug’s size, “There isn’t a freckin laser on its head. You can’t use a freckin giant bug without a freckin laser on its head.”

(OK, OK – This appears to be a scan gone horribly awry…at least for the bug. The dark mass behind it is its poop. Nice.)

Vacation Memories – Part 2

After leaving the surf shop, we returned to Ocean Lakes and went and parked down by the beach. We got everything out of the car and started walking for the beach. The sand still felt cool, so Jennifer decided to put Grace down and let her walk. Grace was immediately disgusted by the sand and wanted us to carry her. When we got down to the beach, we tried putting Grace down again and this time she curled up her legs so they wouldn’t even touch the ground. We put her in one of our beach chairs and she seemed to be happy there. We tried to get her to play with her beach toys, but she only wanted to play with them if sand was not in them (or on them). I made an effort to get Grace to warm up to the sand. I buried my feet in the sand and played “where’s daddy’s feet. I don’t think I need to explain the premise. When I first buried my feet, I think it terrified the child. She frowned and her lip began to quiver like she was going to scream. I quickly pulled my feet out of the sand and she looked very relieved. I then proceeded to play the game with her some more, and she began to warm up to it and smile. I may have even gotten a giggle. I also played with Gracie’s sand toys and tried to show her how to use them. I filled buckets, dug ditches, made piles, and buried things (I wasn’t enjoying myself at all). It didn’t seem to interest her.

Eventually it occurred to me that I was no longer playing for Gracie and was doing it solely because I was enjoying myself. At that point I decided it was time for a dip in the ocean. The water was fairly warm. I wasn’t in a rush to get wet, so I took my time. I took a few steps forward every now and then. At one point, I took a step forward and my foot went down into a hole or something. The water had barely been up to my knees before, and after stepping in the hole, half my trunks were wet. It didn’t wind up being the slow decent into the ocean I was hoping for.

If you’re wondering about Grace and the ocean, we had a pretty strong suspicion she would be scared of that. She doesn’t like pools, and we assumed she wouldn’t like the ocean either. Still, when we first got to the beach, Jennifer carried Grace down and stood in the surf. That was apparently horrifying to Gracie and she cried. We had always assumed she would be happy sitting on and running around the beach, but on the first day, that didn’t seem like the case.

When I got back from my dip, I put down a Dora the Explorer beach towel, picked up Gracie, and put her on the towel. I waited for the shriek, but it didn’t come. Apparently she wasn’t absolutely terrified of the sand. She just wanted something between her and it. I worked with her some more to try and get her to play in the sand from her beach towel, but she still didn’t want to touch the sand. Eventually, she got up and started running back and forth on her towel. She even picked up the rake that came with her sand toys, squatted, and raked some sand. She then threw the rake so that it was over in the sand out of her reach. She apparently regretted this decision immediately, and began to reach out for it and whine. We tried to encourage her to go over and pick it up, but instead of doing that, she just found something else to do on her towel.

We left the beach after a couple hours so we could eat lunch and Grace could have her nap. When Grace woke up, we all got ready and went to a place called Broadway at the Beach. It is sort of like a huge, outdoor mall. First, we ate dinner at Tony Roma’s. After dinner we took Grace to a store called the Build-a-Bear Workshop. Most of you have probably heard of this place, but for those of you that haven’t, you pick out an animal, stuff it, dress it, and pay for it. Grace loved this. She picked out a monkey, and was hugging and kissing it while we were waiting to get it stuffed. She wasn’t to happy when they we took it away from her to have the clerk stuff it. After stuffing the monkey, we tried to let her pick out an outfit, but Grace just wanted to run around the building.  So, we picked out a shirt and went and paid for it. It was ridiculous how much we COULD have paid for the thing. They had outfits for stuffed animals that cost more than some of the outfits we have bought for Gracie. They had hats, shoes, accessories, and, most distrubanly, underwear. You know, because some teddy bears don’t like going commando.

Man, it is taking a lot of time to tell you about my vacation. I should be able to finish it up in one more post. Then I have to talk about potty training. We started that on Monday.

Vacation Memories – Part 1

We’re back from vacation! This will be a two-part post, because I am tired and want to go to bed.

As you can see from the previous post, we went to Myrtle Beach, SC. For those of you that have never been, it is an extremely commercialized area. We’re talking Las Vegas on the beach (minus the casinos). It really isn’t my cup of tea when it comes to beaches, as I generally like the less commercialized, laid back places. Fortunately, going this time of year makes the trip a lot more pleasant. The beach and other attractions aren’t as busy. We never really had to wait for anything. As I mentioned before, we stayed at my uncle’s place at Ocean Lakes. It was very nice and we would not have been able to take this vacation without his generosity.

First Day, we woke up and wanted to get some breakfast. I suggested Cracker Barrel because I thought I had seen one close by when I looked over the area we were staying on Google Earth. We got ready and left for breakfast around 9AM or so. I headed north, thinking that was the direction of Cracker Barrel, which turned out to be a mistake. After 20 minutes or so, Jennifer began to taunt me and told me she didn’t think that the Cracker Barrel even existed. The main road down there is absolutely littered with local pancake houses, so we probably passed 20 of those and 2 Shoney’s before we finally reached a Cracker Barrel. I think it wound up being a 40-minute drive. When the sign came into view, Jennifer tried to convince me it was mirage. Turns out I’m not the only dork in this family. We spent the rest of the day shopping. We went to an outlet mall and then went and bought the groceries we needed for the rest of our stay. We got home in the late afternoon and took it easy the rest of the day because Grace needed the rest (we did too). So, day one went by without us going to the beach. Not that it was a bad day, but the beach didn’t make it onto the itinerary.

On day two we made a commitment to go to the beach. We woke up and I made us breakfast. We got ready to go to the beach and hopped in the good ole SUV. First, we ran out to a surf shop to see if we could get Grace some sand toys and to pick up a beach umbrella. We also thought we’d grab Grace a bathing suit if they had one. The first place we went to had the toys. They had swimming trunks for baby boys, but nothing for girls. I decided to forgo buying the umbrella, paid for the toys and left. Next-door was another place with a sign saying “Discount Swimwear” or something to that effect. I thought they would surely have swimming suits for baby girls. I walked in the store and it looked exactly like the place I had just left. They had the exact same thing as before and carried only baby boy stuff. Turns out people are sexists in Myrtle Beach. I did pick up a beach umbrella, but the stake for the bottom was missing. The clerk said he would run to the back and get one. I perused the store and looked at the tee shirts and such while the guy went to find the rest of the umbrella. Minutes went buy and it eventually became apparent the clerk was no longer in the store. I was the only person in the building. There was a post that didn’t match the umbrella I had picked out sitting on the front counter, but the clerk was missing and nowhere to be found. I picked up the umbrella and post and ran out the store, along with $300 from the register. OK, OK. That didn’t happen, but it easily could have. The goof left me in the store by myself! I went outside and got in the car to leave when he ran up (apparently returning from the store I had bought the toys from) with several umbrellas in hand. Unfortunately, I decided to go back inside and finish the purchasing the umbrella. The guy said something like, “Did you think I would just forget you?” I should have took a cue from George Allen and said something racially insensitive like, “No, but I want to get to the beach today, Habeeb.” Of course, knowing my luck, Habeeb would turn out to mean “useless, crack addicted sloth” in his native tongue (He was Indian or something).  I paid for the umbrella and left.

I’ll discuss the rest of the week tomorrow and tell you about Grace’s reaction to the beach, and why buying that stupid umbrella was a mistake. Meanwhile, your homework is to look up what “Habeeb” means.

The Weekend

Wow, hard to believe it has been almost a week since my last post. We are in the process of getting ready to go to the beach. We are leaving tomorrow night and will be gone through Sunday. I doubt I will be posting to my blog during this time. I want to avoid computers while I am on this vacation. I thought it would be nice to do a quick post to sort of catch everyone up on the latest happenings. This will be long and there is so much to cover I couldn’t think of a clever title.

Friday night my brothers, Aaron and Joel, came over. We played a game of Catan and then watched the new version of the Shaggy Dog with Tim Allen. It was a good movie and I seem to remember laughing a lot. It put a bit of a sci-fi spin on the original story, which is likely to turn some folks off, but I thought it worked well. Without giving too much a way, I really think they left the movie open for a sequel. I don’t remember how this movie did at the box office, so I guess if it tanked there won’t be a sequel. Actually, I think the movie’s budget must have been pretty low. There was a pretty neat scene with Tim Allen’s tongue, but other then that, I was sort of amazed at what I didn’t see. There was only one scene where you really witness the transformation. The remaining scenes where it occurs were shot so it hides the actual transformation. This sort of surprised me for a movie made in 2006. I didn’t watch it for the effects and would recommend the movie, this was just an observation I made. The filmmakers would probably choke me. The movie is probably chocked full of special affects that I missed and just took for granted.

Saturday we went to see my grandmother and had a good time hanging out and talking with her. She wound up ordering in Mexican and paying for our dinner, so that was a pleasant surprise. On the way home from my grandmother’s we stopped by McDonald’s to get some sundaes. Grace sat at the end of the table turning her head left and right alternating between Jennifer’s sundae and mine as we fed them to her. Of course, I always eat mine faster so I got to eat more of my ice cream. I guess its one of the few benefits to inhaling your food.

Sunday was a big day at our church as we had our Mission Celebration. Terry Hammack, a missionary from our church, was the guest speaker. He’s always a great speaker, but the best parts are always the stories he has. It is pretty enthralling. As you can imagine, Nigeria is not one of the safest places to be missionary, and I can’t imagine living day to day in the situations he does. What’s more amazing is that he and his wife are really hoping to go to the northern part of the country to an area that is 90% Muslim to minister to people there. As you might know, Muslims don’t take to kindly to Christian missionaries, but these two really feel it is where God wants their ministry to be. They’re two incredible people that face things on a regular basis that we can’t even imagine here.

Afterwards was a potluck dinner and Grace was a ball of energy. I got to eat, but barely had time to finish before I had to start chasing her back and forth through the halls of the church. We couldn’t get the girl to sit still for a second! She may have been the most hyper I have seen her. Making matters worse was the crowd. Grace was running and jiving through the legs of people and I had to wait for them to move out of the way. Fortunately, every time she got away from me, someone managed to slow her down and gave me enough time to catch up. The problem was if she got out into the main part of the church building without my supervision, there were only about 10,000 places she could run to and hide. Of course, she only seemed to be interested in running to the nursery, which she knows is full of toys, so it was easy enough to keep track of her.

Tonight we went over to my uncle’s house to pick up the keys and papers we will need to get to his place down at Ocean Lakes at Myrtle Beach. Grace was so shy at first, but the next thing I know she is running around their kitchen and being the ham she usually is. The girl would make the Energizer Bunny cry for mercy. She jumped up and down, ran around, crawled through legs and under tables, picked up copper statues, opened up cabinets, opened and closed doors, and babbled on and on the whole time we were there. I looked like the Coyote chasing the Road Runner most of the time.

Hope it doesn’t sound like I am complaining. Honestly, following her around is often hilarious because the things she does are priceless. Also, following her around has taught me a thing or two. For starters, she usually won’t go where it is dark. I say usually because she proved that the equation is much more complicated than I suspected the other night at my parents. My mom and dad have two entries into their kitchen (well, actually, four, but two of them are irrelevant to the story). One entry from the foyer and one from the dining room. The foyer, living room and dining room are all connected. So, what this means for Gracie is she has an excellent place to run laps. She runs through the foyer, the living room, the dinning room, into the kitchen, and finally back into the foyer. She then repeats this a mind numbing number of times. Oh yeah, and she yells incoherent things the whole time. So, I get the bright idea that if I turn off all the lights in the living room, foyer, and dining room, she’ll stop running her laps. I was wrong. She must have thought daddy was playing a game with her. After squealing for a few minutes and jumping up with absolute glee at the site of the darkened room, she started running again. Only now she ran through the darkened areas more quickly. So much for that idea.

This entry has been pretty long, but it will probably be my last post for at least a week. I’m sure I’ll have a lot to talk about when we get back.

Mutant Muscle Mice and the Sheep Master

The weekend is here, and I guess I have a moment to sit down and type up a blog entry. I mentioned in a previous post that our mouse problem was back. We had switched to glue traps and, as it turns out, those didn’t work either. Jennifer went out on Thursday and bought some more expensive traps. These things are big and round and look like a large hockey puck. You twist the top part until it snaps in place and there is a little space for the mouse to walk in. There is an indicator on top to tell you if it is armed, went off accidentally, or if a mouse has been caught. You put bait under the trap and when the mouse goes in, the top twists shut and does something to the mouse to kill it. The big selling point is that you don’t have to see the mouse. Well, we armed two of these things on Thursday night and went to bed figuring they would both be empty the next morning. Friday morning, I opened the door to look under our sink and the trap had gone off. The indicator on top was set to “mouse caught”. This wasn’t good enough for me, after all, these ninja mice had already escaped wooden traps and glue trays. I thought maybe they had pulled some Mission Impossible stunt and got in and out before the trap shut. I needed to know the mouse was in it. So, I picked up the trap and shook it a little. I didn’t seem like anything was in it. I decide to peak in. As I turned it up on its side to twist it open, liquid poured out on my hand. I keep telling my self it was the oil from the peanut butter. I slowly turned the top around until I could see in the trap. It was dark and I couldn’t see a thing. The next minute was spent walking around the house tilting the thing from side to side to try and get a peak of what was inside. Finally, I found a place where I could see inside the trap. I saw the tail of something, and that was pretty much all I needed to know. We had finally caught the crafty devil.

Makes me wonder if they’ve ever made a horror movie about mice invading a village (DeWitte? What say you? I bet you can quote at least one line from memory if they have.) Here the pitch:

Dr. Wilson is a geneticist experimenting on mice for some ultra steroid that is going to be used by the military to create super soldiers. Of course, he is injecting the stuff in mice to test his little serum. Little does he realize the mental impact the serum is having on the mice’s brain functions until it is too late. The mice chew through the wires of their cage and attack the professor! As the professor dies, he hits the emergency fail safe button sealing the mice into his lab for all eternity, or so he thought. Two teens who are madly in love stumble upon the hatch. One’s a jock and the other is a ditsy blond. The guy finds the door to the lab gets in against the warnings of the girl. Mice pour out and they both die in a gruesome scene. In the end, all humanity will be saved by a woman that used to have a phobia of mice but overcomes it to save her child (or family) from the mutant muscle mice.

We’ve also had a bit of an eBay drama going on this week. Back on August 25th, Jennifer bid and won on this heart monitor that lets you listen to the baby’s heartbeat. She got a really good price on it, but it was beginning to look like the person wasn’t going to mail it. Jennifer actually started the process of getting our money back on Thursday, and I guess that woke someone up. We finally heard from the person yesterday that they were mailing the monitor to us. So, we’ll see what happens when it gets here. Hopefully it will work. I heard someone say onetime that you should never spend more on eBay then you are willing to lose, and that is probably a good rule to go by. Of course, I know people that swear by eBay and buy from it all the time without any problems, so they’d probably disagree. I guess if you know what you are doing and know how to spot a possible scam, you won’t have many problems. For me, spyware and computer viruses are that way. I find it hard to see how so many computers get initiated with spyware and computer viruses. I run Windows, surf the Internet all the time, download and install software, and for the most part, I never have any problems.

Finally, I leave you with this. I don’t know why I found this funny, but we were talking about the wild animals in New Zealand (or lack thereof) the other night, and Jennifer brought up sheep. She said they couldn’t be wild because they needed “sheep masters”. Wow. That must be the politically correct term for shepherds now. It sounds much more ominous. Almost like a title some legendary warrior would have. Conan the Sheep Master. Anyway, it gave me a good laugh, but I am also a geek.

Colds, infections, and hurricanes…..OH MY!

Blah. That’s how I feel right now. I haven’t been feeling good the past couple of days. I picked up a cold that is going around my family. I came home early from work today so I could get some rest. Grace is sick too. Jennifer took her to the doctor this afternoon because she…um…didn’t like peeing. Let’s leave it at that. Anyway, the doctor told Jennifer that Grace has a yeast infection and a double ear infection. Worst part is the antibiotic to cure the ear infection can cause yeast infections. Did I mention it is great being a man? Poor girl! We were surprised she wasn’t acting more upset. The doctor ask if we had noticed her doing anything to hint that she had an ear infection. She was fussier, but other then that, there was no sign that she had an ear infection. Usually she tugs on her ears when they hurt, but not this time. My mother-in-law’s theory is that Grace has a high pain tolerance, and I buy that, but I don’t know where she got it. Jennifer and I are a couple of pansies when it comes to pain.

The mouse problem is back. We think it could be the babies of the first mouse. We set out traps the last two nights and Jennifer found a mouse turd on one of the traps this morning and the peanut butter was gone. It was like the mice were saying, “Nice try, sucka!” Jennifer went and got one of the flypaper type traps and we are going to try that. It also works for scorpions. I’ll sleep better tonight knowing we’ll be protected from the elusive Blue Ridge Scorpions.

Is everyone freaking out about the hurricane yet? Wait….it’s just a tropical storm? I don’t want to make light of this, but come on! This is a glorified thunderstorm and they are declaring a state of emergency. My neighbor sneezed this morning and they sent the National Guard in. Anyone else think everyone is just a little edge since Katrina? I guess the government’s idea of being more “prepared” is to maintain a state of constant panic whenever anything with a good breeze makes its way toward shore. Of course, the net result will ultimately be something like the boy who cried wolf, except, in this case, it will be, “The Government That Cried, ‘YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE!'” That is just my uninformed and unprofessional opinion. Comment and tell me why I am wrong. I need to practice deleting comments anyway.

Later.

Pay Attention!

First-year students at Texas A&M’s Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, “In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”