The Pool of Pain

It has occurred to me that very evil people who wish to make parents miserable and control insects manufacture inflatable pools. Back at the beginning of the summer, we saw this nice large paddling pool and we bought it for Grace. It was only about $20 and was fairly large. It even had a wading pool, slide, and various inflatable toys. We put it on our deck, and Grace used it a few times this summer. For the last few weeks it has simply been sitting on our deck, gathering more and more grime and slime. I kept telling myself I’d get around to moving it, “next weekend”.

Well, “next weekend” finally arrived on Saturday when I figured the mosquitoes had pretty much had all the time they needed time to nest and breed on our deck. The pool and water were gross. Granted, it had nothing on DeWitte’s pool, but it was still a nasty site. Thanks to shows like House, I was pretty paranoid about cleaning the thing out. Seems like they always suspect mold other such things when they are diagnosing the nastiest of diseases. Since what I know about medicine is almost entirely limited to ER, House, and the “if you take this drug it will melt your brain” specials that appear on 20/20 from time to time, I had to assume what was living in my pool was nothing short of the mold that would equal certain doom.

The first order of business was to get the toxic water out. Remember how I said the pool was pretty big? Well, it seemed good at the time, but getting the water out was a pain. I didn’t realize how much water was in the pool until I picked up the one corner and started walking to the opposite corner to push the water out. I didn’t get very far before the weight of the water prevented me from moving forward any further. I stopped and thought for a moment. The best idea I could come up with must have looked ridiculous to an observer, but it was the best way I could think to get the water out to a point I could flip the pool. The plan went something like this: I would pick up my corner and run towards the opposite corner with all the force I could muster. This created a wave that pushed massive amounts of water out of the pool and over the edge of my deck. It must have looked like some schizophrenic wrestling match with the pool. I should have started screaming, “Take this you foul plastic pool of death!” just in case some neighbors were watching.

After using my brilliant water removal method a dozen or so times, I had forced enough water out to flip the pool over. The remainder of the toxic sludge then went all over our deck. I decided it would be best if I cleaned the biohazard up. I considered calling the HAZMAT team, but figured they would not be as concerned as I was and ramble off some bureaucratic nonsense. Anyway, I performed my own clean up using our water hose. I then used the water hose to clear the slime out of the bottom of the pool that had formed due to the months of neglect. I spent the rest of the day cleaning and scrubbing the gunk off the pool.

Sunday afternoon I took the time to deflate the pool, which I assumed would be the easy part. Initially, I sat down in the grass and opened the first air hole (of about 5). I started hugging the pool to get the air out of it. I’m sure the neighbors who watched me get the water out Saturday assumed that the pool and the “special” person were now making up after their fight the day before.

While you are sitting in your yard, you start to notice lots of things. For me, it was the number of bugs that were crawling around. I had never really taken time to observe this before, but it seemed like they were everywhere. This didn’t bother me until the hairy tarantula walked by and winked at me. I’m sure it wasn’t a tarantula, but its size and appearance made me feel less comfortable about sitting on the ground. I decided that if I kept my eyes on the guy, I would be OK. I really wasn’t in the mood to find out if this spider bit and if it was poisonous. Then it occurred to me that if there was one spider, that there could be more and I really didn’t feel like having one of these guys crawl up my pants leg, shirt, butt crack, or…it was then I realized that in my paranoia I had completely lost site of my little eight legged friend. I immediately sprang to my feet and brushed my clothing to make sure it hadn’t snuck in. I then proceeded to hug and squeeze the air out of the pool and continued to observe the many bugs that called my yard home.

To get the air out of the slide, I put the it on the ground and pushed down on the top to push the air out. It was at the point a bee that appeared to have been mutated by cosmic radiation flew by within inches of my face. Its massive wings cooled my face as it flew by. I stood up straight again and saw it was just a large bumblebee as it flew into the distance. I could have swore I heard the thing laughing at me as if flew away.

I finally got sick of letting the air out of the slide, folded the pool up and threw it in our shed. It was then I remembered that Jennifer had a box for me to put in the shed sitting in our bedroom. At the beginning of the summer when we bought the shed, I was pretty sure it would remain fairly empty for months (and years) to come. I was an idealistic, naive fool. After a mere 3 or 4 months, the left side has boxes stacked about halfway up the building and the right side has an exercise machine and the garden tools I rarely use. The middle has 2 bikes we have never ridden and our lawn mower. It is not full, but it is getting cramped. I had to pull out the lawn mower, bikes, and our Christmas tree to get the single box of clothes in the shed and in places. Sheesh, time to start sending messages to that FreeCycle thing.

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2 comments so far

  1. Donna on

    Matt – You had me laughing outloud from beginning to end!

  2. kabababrubarta on

    Nice site! kabababrubarta


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