Butt Bills

Back in January we get a phone call from a collection agency saying we still owed the hospital somewhere in the neighborhood of a thousand dollars for our daughter’s birth. This, of course, was news to us since it had been almost a year and we hadn’t seen a bill in months. Well, we found out they had been sending our bills to the wrong address. An address we never even lived at. Somehow, they got the address of a house we were going to buy in Roanoke. The purchase fell through when my wife lost her job (another story). The first thing we hear about this bill is the collection agency calling us demanding the money. So, we call the hospital and find out about the address mix-up and also discover that they’ve never even filed this bill with our insurance. We were told they would file the bill and someone would be in touch. Well, the months go by and we don’t hear anything. Now, I guess we should have called someone, but I’m not exactly one that goes looking for bills to pay. I sort of like holding on to my money. Besides, I thought that maybe the insurance ended up paying the whole bill. Today, 6 months later, we get a call saying we still owe over $400 dollars and they demand we pay by the end of the month. My wife asked the rep why we had never received a bill, to which the rep replied (are you ready for this?), “We don’t send monthly bills.”

That’s right ladies and gentlemen; there is actually a bill collection agency that doesn’t send bills!!! I mean, I guess it isn’t necessary that they actually send me a bill before they harass me with phone calls. After all, I have the uncanny ability to pull bills from my RECTUM!! These butt bills tell me precisely what I owe and to whom I owe it. I know, I know, it’s gross, and it really sucks when the 40 page cell phone bills shows up, but whatcha gonna do?

Hey! I know! Next time my boss asks me to program something, I believe I will respond, “Oh, I don’t actually write programs.”

Honestly though, I don’t have much experience with collection agencies. I pay my bills when they are due, so maybe not sending bills is standard practice, but it sure seems backwards to me. Besides, if they don’t send bills and only call once every 6 months, they must be the worse bill collection agency in the world. I think a Care Bear would be more intimidating.


1 comment so far

  1. DeWitte on

    Ah – Bills. I had an Alltel bill some time ago that I refused to pay. I turned the phone off and had a final bill of like $300. Well, it was for two phones so they added $200 per phone for “early disconnect fee” even though technically I let them know ahead of time, and technically I didn’t ask to have my contract renewed anyway. I basically ignored this for about two years. I’d get calls and I’d tell them no way, and I think it caught them off guard because collectors expect more out of you than just “No F’in way am I going to ever pay this!”. So finally I had yet another agency call – it went through at least five. I said I’m not going to pay and explained the $400 unfair fee and the other $300 now of other “fees” they’d added and he went to talk to his manager. The manager called me back and said they would settle for $300. Wow – I had no problem with that, since that is how much I owed in the first place. Anymore – if it isn’t a utility or my house, I don’t worry too much about collectors. Of course, my credit sucks – but that’s a different story.

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